


The Reason

by Darkest_Day



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Romance, Starting a new life, Vague mentions of sex, Westboro Baptist Church
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-29
Updated: 2013-05-29
Packaged: 2017-12-13 09:20:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/822660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkest_Day/pseuds/Darkest_Day
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Was it hard, leaving your family like that?" </p>
<p>"My father was the only one I left behind, the rest of my family had already walked away. I joined my family, I didn't leave it."</p>
<p>In which Arthur walks away from the church he grew up in, grows up, and moves on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Reason

Morgana was disowned when she was seventeen. He remembered that day as the first day that had opened his eyes. He remembered the way her eyes glistened and the strong set of her jaw, she didn't back down, she stood with her hands clenched into fists, challenging her father in a way that she never had before. Her protests, when they had been growing up, fell to Arthur's deaf ears. He was blind to the world around him, he saw only what his father taught, he held signs and spoke of God and how he was punishing the world. He remembered their fight, how the walls seemed to nearly shake with the force of it. 

 

When she left, in a flurry of firey emotion, Uther Pendragon spent only a few minutes cutting her off from the family. He gave the locksmith a call to come change the locks on the house, he closed her bank account, and the next day, he emptied her room of the possessions she had left behind. He removed each and every picture of her from the house, from every photo album, and she was gone completely. When he had finished, it was like she had never existed. 

 

He had the foresight to snag a few pictures of her, and he kept them between his mattresses. 

 

Arthur was only fifteen when she left. 

 

He had always been sheltered, shielded from the world and the way it worked. One summer, when he was sixteen, they tried to cross the border into Canada. They held their signs and were all fired up, ready to shout their message into the sky and the cameras. They were refused entry into the country, it was the first time he had heard someone call them a 'hate group'. 

 

In school his friend, Gwaine who lived in his neighbourhood, his family a part of the church, mysteriously disappeared from class one day. He didn't know where he had gone, and his father had only told him that he was going to _burn_ , and nothing more. 

 

Uther Pendragon was the man who owned and ran the church just two blocks away. He had never met his mother, his father never spoke of her, and there was never any sign of her in the house. Arthur had always thought that she had passed away before he could remember her, but after Morgana left home, he wondered if maybe his mother had defied Uther as well. Arthur played the good son for as long as he could, he went to church every weekend and preached the same things everyone else did. He knew the words inside and out. 

 

When he was seventeen, they picketed the funeral of a military officer. The man's wife pushed through their crowd, her cheeks streaked with tears. She locked her eyes onto his and he felt sick and disgusting. She had lost the man she loved with every little piece of her, and the sign he held read ' _Thank God for dead soldiers'_. He nearly dropped the sign, he was frozen, and she kept moving into the funeral home. 

 

That night, he wondered if he was making a huge mistake. How could his God rejoice at a death that made so many people hurt? It didn't seem right. It seemed absolutely wrong in every way. But he didn't say anything, he loved his father and he had nowhere else to go if he was sent away, cut from his life like Morgana was. He didn't even know where she was, how she was doing, or if she was even still alive. 

 

He remembered the rainy day at school when he met _him_. Arthur hadn't even known his name, but everything seemed to click together in that moment. They spoke to each other, chatting a little bit until he had to go, he clapped his hand to Arthur's shoulder as he left and the lurch in his stomach at the contact was undeniable. He feared his father's wrath, he feared homelessness, and he feared for his soul. He pushed the boy from his mind, and started up a relationship with a pretty girl named Sophia. She was safe, she lived a few doors down from him and his father approved. He hated _touching_ her. More often than not he would rather be beating his own head against the wall than touching her. His thoughts stewed in his head, boiling and bubbling and it took everything he had, every last fibre of who he was, to keep up the lies he was living. Nearly every day after school, unless he had coursework to complete, he joined his father in protests on the streets. Nearly every weekend, they drove to another city to spread their words. He couldn't even look at the signs he held, but he knew he couldn't bear to hold one that said ' _God hates fags'_ , so he settled with one that said ' _America is doomed'_ so he wasn't squirming with guilt. America was doomed if his father had any say in it. That message was becoming clearer and clearer. Or perhaps it was Arthur who was doomed. 

 

It was his eighteenth summer, he and Sophia were sitting on a blanket in the park. In the distance, there were two figures sitting close under a tree. Her lip curled into a sneer, baring her bright white teeth. He pretended to be interested in what she was saying though he didn't hear a word of it. He thought they looked happy, and he was sure that they were both girls. Suddenly Sophia was springing to her feet, adjusting her skirts and stalking across the green grass to them. The sun was glaring into his eyes, and he tried to call her back but she was too far away by the time he could react. His stomach twisted, but he stayed where he was. He didn't want to get into it, he didn't want to be involved. His father wasn't around (but Sophia was, so he would still have to be careful), so he didn't need to choke on a plastic smile and agree with every word. 

 

When she had thoroughly offended the couple, and he knew they were because their hands were closed together as they left, she returned to his side. He pushed the hard plastic smile, well worn, to his face and patted her shoulder to congratulate her on telling them off. The sun was still in his eyes and the summer air was sweet. The sky blue above them, streaked with clouds here and there. He was content, even if he wasn't happy. Everything he was was a lie, to the way he kissed Sophia's knuckles to say good-bye. He was, actually, a bit glad that he had been taught not to engage in sexual activities before marriage. He didn't think he could fake something like that no matter how hard he tried. 

 

They went to a film later, sitting respectably in their seats. He knew other couples were more prone to holding hands or kissing, even within the church, but he could play it off easily. His touches were few and far between, and it wasn't until a week later that he got sick of it. 

 

Suddenly, as a single man, he noticed everything he had been blind to. It was getting more and more difficult to ignore, so, panicking, he cornered Mithian, who was a year younger than him and lived a block away, and asked her to be his girlfriend. She hesitated for a long moment, but finally agreed. 

 

With Mithian, it was all a bit easier to handle. She was kind, though she joined the protests his father rallied, she didn't stay much, she didn't even hold a sign. It was easier to hold her hand, to pretend. He even allowed her to kiss him one evening when he had walked her home. It was strange, but not as bad as he had expected. He had expected to feel a bit dirty, like he had when he thought about kissing Sophia. Their relationship was soft and quiet, and by the time the summer ended, he wondered if maybe she thought the same things he did. 

 

He met the man who changed his life in his first year of college. He caught his eye instantly, dark messy hair with startlingly blue eyes, a long and lean frame with torn jeans and a dark t-shirt and arms decorated with a large number of bracelets, both leather and hemp. He had been walking hand in hand with Mithian when he saw him, he had nearly tripped over himself, and he worried that she had seen his reaction, that she would suddenly know. 

 

But she didn't seem to notice. 

 

Arthur didn't dare ask about the black haired guy, too afraid that if he said something, he would be outed and disowned. His father had his entire life planned, if he strayed from the path he would have nothing to fall back on. 

 

At least, until he met him. He was in one of his classes, his voice was accented and he had the most stunning smile he had ever seen. His eyes crinkled when he grinned, his face lit up when he was happy. He was so expressive, and when he talked his hands waved wildly around his head, the bangles on his wrists clinking together. His name was Merlin. It was probably the strangest name he had ever heard, but it seemed to suit him. 

 

And eventually, he and Merlin ended up sitting next to each other. Scared of what he was beginning to feel, he snapped at the boy in their first conversation, teasing him about the rips in his faded jeans. The boy looked offended for the slightest second, but this cool grin touched his mouth and he responded back, just as bitingly as Arthur had, that he was far too 'posh' for his own good. Arthur hadn't even heard words like that before, the way he spoke was entirely different. The words he used confused Arthur. Where Arthur had a scathing comment, Merlin had an equally as scathing retort. Even though they only saw each other in that class, they became friends. Merlin would laugh with him, even though Arthur didn't understand his jokes at first. He was so different than anyone else he had ever met. Quickly, Arthur came to both dread and anxiously await each class with him. 

 

It was truly terrifying. He didn't tell Merlin who his father was (Though it wasn't hard to guess, so as long as Merlin didn't know Arthur's last name, they could be friends) and Merlin yabbered on about whatever came to his mind. The first time their bodies came into contact, when he was passing Merlin a spare pencil, was a shock to the system. Both scalding water and icy wind swept over him, and he withdrew from the light brush of fingertips instantly, as if the touch had burned him. This wasn't good. 

 

Somewhere along the line, he and Mithian became friends. They were sitting at her house, curled comfortably together on the couch, and he realized that he truly trusted her. He tightened his arms around her, concerned, she turned to face him. “Arthur?” She asked softly. 

 

He stared at her, trying to read her mind, trying to see if his trust wasn't misplaced. Her face was tilted in concern, and she lightly placed her hand over his, adjusting herself so they were no longer embracing. 

 

“I..” He broke off, looking away. He could only see honesty in her features. “I don't think we can be together” Because he panicked, he couldn't form the words. 

 

She frowned, and cupped his cheek. She didn't say a word, she only waited for him to keep speaking. It took a long time for him to start speaking. He struggled to find the words, he didn't want to say it. “I'm not..” was all he got, before he turned away from her completely, hunched over his knees.

 

Carefully, she looped her arms around his shoulders, laying herself on his back. “I know” She said quietly. 

 

Arthur froze, his blood turned to ice and he couldn't _breathe_. 

 

“I know you, Arthur. You're my closest friend. You're so guarded, everyone sees you as a carbon copy of your father. But I know _you_. I know you're not happy, I can see it every time I look at you. You're not your father, I know that.” Her body seemed to shake, and his blood unfroze in his veins and he touched her arm lightly. “I'm the same” Her words trembled, choked with tears, and she hid her face in his neck. He could feel her sobbing, he let out a breath and gripped her elbows in the best hug he could manage in their position. “I thought I would be stuck here forever” She murmured, her voice thick. “I thought I was disgusting, for the longest time. I thought I was sick, I've been trying to fight it because I'm not normal. I thought I would be alone the rest of my life.” 

 

He loved her more than he ever had, in that moment. She knew what he struggled with, and he knew her own struggles. He pulled her properly into his arms, and wondered if there was a way out of this. He had no money, he had no job, he had nowhere to go. How easy would it be to just marry her? Then the two of them could live like friends, they wouldn't have to worry about judgement or being shunned. They would both know it wasn't what they wanted, but they could be content with their lives. 

 

Somehow, he didn't think she would settle for that. As he held her, he could feel the fire that burned within. Arthur had planned on accepting it, she wanted to leave. 

 

“His name is Merlin” He said, finally, after at least an hour of just sitting together, the television completely forgotten. She sat up from her shoulder, wiping her cheeks on her sleeves, breaking into a grin. “I met him” She said, her voice still strained but a lot clearer. “He's lovely, everyone thinks so.” 

 

He kissed her cheek when he left later that evening, and when he got home, he stole his way to his father's computer. He used it only to update the chruch's website, which outlined their goals and their picketing schedules. He went to Facebook, changed his password, and carefully searched for his sister. When he had found her, he sat at her page for a long moment, staring at the picture of her. She and another woman with dark skin and long black hair were pressed check to cheek, grinning brilliantly to the camera. 

 

He typed out a quick message, making damn sure that no one would see it but the two of them. He hesitated for a long moment before finally hitting the 'send' button. When it was done, he almost panicked. Carefully, he schooled his breathing and deleted the cookies for the last hour, then logged out and shut the computer down. The message was simple and easy to understand. Merely two words, two little words that would completely change his life. 

 

' _I'm gay._ '

 

Arthur went to the college's computers the next day to check for a reply. The only reply he got was a phone number, and his heart soared. He would have to be careful with the number, his father would check his phone from time to time, mostly so he could pull numbers off of it, kids from school that he had been taught to be friends with. Or to set a schedule on the calendar, or whatever reason. So he memorized the numbers, he ran them over in his head until he knew the order by heart. 

 

Then he sent her a message, another simple one, ' _I missed you_ '. 

 

The response came an hour later, when he was sitting with Merlin in their class together. ' _I missed you too, Arthur.'_

 

He was grinning, and Merlin nudged his arm with one pointy elbow. Arthur jumped slightly at the touch (he was never going to get used to Merlin's touch), and Merlin nodded towards the front of the room, where the teacher was directing them to take notes. So he paid attention to the professor, watching him outline whatever they were learning. His phone was burning a hole in his pocket, and when they were left to their assignment, Merlin nudged him again. “What're you grinnin' about?” He asked pleasantly, chewing on the end of his pen casually. Arthur was slightly drawn to the movement of his teeth and lips over the object. 

 

What could he even say? He didn't dare breathe a word of what was going on, so he just shrugged. “Mithian sent me a message” Was all he could say, and Merlin seemed to deflate a little.

 

On Arthur's nineteenth birthday, he wanted to do something a bit different. He asked his father to pick up some alcohol so he could have a few friends over. Surprisingly, his father agreed. “You're a good kid” He said. “You've been true to God and the church, for one night he won't mind if you have fun” Arthur wondered if he was too boring for a nineteen year old. 

 

It was the next November weekend that he had a couple friends over. He had wanted, desperately, to invite Merlin over. He didn't dare to ask, worried that it would out himself. Mithian was the first to arrive, embracing Arthur and kissing his cheek warmly. Their relationship was strong, even if they didn't love each other the way they pretended. She was his closest friend, and he wouldn't change that for the world. When others started to arrive his father sat in a couch in another room, peeking his head out on occasion to make sure no one was consuming too much, and that everyone was remaining pure. Or however they were supposed to act. Arthur wasn't sure anymore. 

 

Mithian pulled him into the kitchen, other guests sitting around the living room playing a game of cards. “I invited Merlin” She said quietly over her wineglass. 

 

“What?!” He hissed, looking scared. 

 

“It's okay! He knows who your father is, and he's your friend, there's no reason you can't have him here” Arthur rolled his tongue over his teeth, the wine tasting sour in his mouth. He wasn't sure if that was a good idea. 

 

“I told him to dress appropriately.” She said with a grin. 

 

When Merlin arrived, he wore slim black pants that actually looked new, an emerald green button down shirt, and though his wrists were covered by the sleeves, he could see that there was only one or two bracelets on each wrist. He greeted Arthur with a smile, and Mithian pushed a glass of wine into his hand. Merlin looked really good, and he was happy to see him. So long as Mithian was close to him, then he would be fine. 

 

The night was quiet, but enjoyable. His house had never seen so much laughter in his life. Everyone was enjoying themselves, and he sat next to Merlin and Mithian on the couch. She was curled to his side, leaning heavily on him so his arm was pressed flush against Merlin's. The contact darkened his cheeks, but he could blame the mixed drink he had in his hands. He was having fun, actually. Uther came out here and there, meeting those he had never met before. Arthur could feel Merlin tense beside him when his father rounded on him, but Merlin played it off well. He introduced himself and played everything up a little bit. That's how he found out that Merlin lived pretty far away, so Uther invited him to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. Merlin protested politely, but agreed when his father insisted. 

 

When his father retired to his bedroom for the night, they all bundled up and went to sit in the back yard, some had already gone home. They chatted late into the night, Mithian warm on one side and Merlin close by on the other. He was feeling pleasantly warm, he had never really been drinking before and he was truly enjoying himself. 

 

Everyone left, leaving only he and Merlin. Suddenly, he was nervous, normally they were in a crowded room together, or there was someone else. He had never been alone with him before, so he excused himself to find a pair of pyjama’s for Merlin to borrow. He didn't expect Merlin to follow him into the room, he straightened, holding the clothing in his hands. 

 

Merlin closed the door behind him, Arthur felt a little bit terrified. 

 

“Hey, relax” Merlin said gently, Arthur just couldn't. 

 

Carefully, Merlin crossed the room to meet Arthur, putting his hands onto his arms and guiding him back against the wall. The house was so quiet, he could hear the thump of his blood through his ears. Merlin's lips were cool and wet against his. 

 

Arthur couldn't think. He literally could not think, Merlin tasted sweet like soda with the faint shadow of vodka, he could taste the wine and the little chocolates that he had brought. His hands gripped Merlin's elbows tightly, worried he was going to shake his bones apart. 

 

Merlin slid his hands up and down his arms, still kissing him, sliding his mouth across Arthur's. “It's okay” Merlin murmured into Arthur's mouth, brushing his tongue against Arthur's lower lip. It wasn't okay, it really wasn't, but that wasn't going to stop him. When Merlin pulled away, he was breathless and he couldn't speak. He grabbed the clothes off of the floor silently, Arthur wanted to kiss him again. So he did, he grabbed Merlin's elbow and pulled him in again. 

 

They broke apart again, Merlin grinned. “Mithian said it was okay” He murmured, “I asked her about you, I was so nervous” He chuckled breathlessly, “I like you, Arthur. I really do.” His voice was low in the quiet room. Arthur wished he could ask Merlin to stay here, in his room, but they both knew that wasn't possible.

 

Merlin left with one last kiss and a soft good-bye, Arthur was breathless as he tossed himself into his bed. He sent Morgana a message. He had deleted every message he had ever sent or received from her, just to be safe. ' _I found someone'_. He grinned into his pillow, but before he went to bed, he sent Mithian a quick ' _Thank you_ ' before drifting to sleep. 

 

When he woke up in the morning, he felt a bit sick. He was sure it wasn't from the alcohol, but rather from the memory of kissing Merlin. Who was very clearly a boy, and not a girl. He didn't regret it, but he knew damn well that this could get very bad, very quickly. Would Merlin even be willing to keep it a secret? He couldn't think of anywhere in this town where the two of them could be alone. He wondered if it was better to end this before it got out of hand. 

 

Morgana had replied with a ' _I don't need to tell you to get out of there, right?_ ' And Arthur didn't reply, he only deleted their messages and pulled himself from bed. He didn't think he could be brave enough to leave, or to tell his father. He knew he was expected to go and picket the church in Meriden later that day. 

 

When he had showered and dressed, his father sent him to wake up Merlin. Breakfast was on the table, and Arthur grudgingly knocked on the guest room door. When there was no answer, he slid inside the room. Merlin was sprawled across the bed on his belly, shirtless with the blankets tangled at his lower back. He longed to touch, now that he knew he could, walking over to him and nudging his arm. Merlin didn't move. He sat down at the edge of the bed, lightly touching the bump of Merlin's shoulder blade and giving him a light shake. When Merlin opened his eyes, his face lit up. He hummed pleasantly, and dragged his hand to Arthur's knee. The touch sent heat swirling through him. “Get up” He instructed. “Father has breakfast ready.” 

 

Merlin heaved himself up so he was sitting, stretching in a rather cat-like way and sprawling on the bed again. He peered at Arthur through messy hair, and finally yawned. Arthur could only stare, Merlin's naked chest was so pale and he didn't know what to do with this new information. 

 

Merlin sat up once more, one leg curled under him. He was still, listening intently to the muffled sounds of the house. Then he leaned forwards to kiss him again. Arthur inhaled sharply and nearly pushed him away, but the kiss was so quick he didn't have a chance to react. Merlin shoved at his shoulder. “Out, so I can get dressed” He said with a grin. Arthur left the room, joining his father at the table over a cup of juice. 

 

“He seems like a nice boy” Uther observed, his voice nearly stern. Arthur wondered if his father suspected him. “I've never seen him at church. Bring him tomorrow.” Arthur nodded, unsure of what to say or how Merlin would react to it. 

 

When Merlin came down with a sleepy grin on his face, his father instantly assaulted him with questions. Merlin answered each one as confidently as he could manage, and Arthur mentally praised him for being so calm about it. He could see that Merlin was uncomfortable, and eventually his father asked him to join them today. 

 

To his surprise, Merlin accepted the offer. Arthur wished that he hadn't, though he knew that the actions of the church were well known, he didn't want Merlin involved in something like that. It seemed like it would be a terrible idea. 

 

The drive was mostly silent, there was a classical CD in the player that drifted out quiet strings of music. Arthur was tense, he struggled to keep his breathing even as they drove. It didn't take long to get there, but it felt like an eternity. Merlin seemed a bit jittery as they parked their van in an empty parking lot. Mithian had come with her parents, and greeted Arthur as expected, he kissed her cheek and held onto her, murmuring another thank you in his ear. She greeted Merlin with a quick hug too, looking surprised that he was there. 

 

They all assembled, and Merlin was handed a sign personally by Uther. Merlin took it without protest, his jaw tight. Clearly, he was uncomfortable, and Uther patted his shoulder. “Don't worry my boy, you'll do fine.” Merlin nodded weakly, and they marched along the pavement to their chosen spot. The church they were in front had prepared, their sign said ' _God loves every one of us'_ and there was a group of people, larger than their own, on the other side of the street. They carried signs playing off of theirs, speaking of love and unity. Two women sat on the grass across from Uther, their arms wound around each other, kissing in a slightly obscene way. Mithian grasped his hand tightly, holding onto it for dear life. He squeezed her hand as hard as he could in return, hoping to grant her some strength. Merlin was tense and white-knuckled beside him, and Arthur didn't dare to give him any kind of comfort. 

 

Merlin was quiet, and he wondered why he had even come. The guilt was thick on his tongue, the air was cold. The sun was hidden behind endless clouds, it was a grim day. The two women kept kissing, grinning into each other's mouths and looking entirely pleased with themselves. Arthur wished he could be on that side of the road with Merlin and Mithian beside him. 

 

Just before the drive back, Arthur and Merlin were left alone, leaning against the side of his father's vehicle. “You shouldn't have come” He said softly. 

 

Merlin shrugged. “I didn't want you to be alone.” His voice was soft, honest, Arthur nearly reached out to him. Then he grinned over at Arthur. “Misery loves company, yeah?” 

 

The drive back was a little less tense, Merlin was fiddling with his phone and eventually, when they were nearing town, he blurted out “Hey Arthur, did you want to come over for dinner? Mum's making pie.” Arthur could hear the grin on his face. 

 

“Where do you live, then, Merlin?” Uther asked, glancing into the rear-view mirror. 

 

“There's a corner store just down the street” He stated. “She asked me to pick up some stuff from it on my way” 

 

Arthur was sure that someone was going to hear the way his heart hammered away against his ribs. And finally, Uther let the two of them out “Will you be staying the night?” He asked, Arthur could only look to Merlin, who nodded. 

 

“If that's alright right you.” 

 

“I'll see you tomorrow.”

 

When Uther had pulled away, Arthur let out a shaky breath. Merlin was beaming and Arthur was more than pleased that his father had no idea of the secrets behind their friendship. Merlin did drag Arthur into the store, but only to pick up a large carton of fruit juice. 

 

The happy silence between them left the ' _I don't want your father to know where I live_ ' unspoken. He had never lied to his father before, and to be honest he was a bit nervous. But the lie was harmless enough, but Arthur still wondered when this would all blow up in his face. He couldn't lie to his father forever. One day, he was going to have to break free. He wondered if Merlin would get tired of waiting, even though this was all still new. 

 

They got into the front door, and once they were, Merlin slid his hand into Arthur's tightly and dragged him into the kitchen. A woman, likely Merlin's mother, was stirring something on the stove in a rather large pot. “Hey mum” Merlin said cheerfully, keeping a tight grip on Arthur's hand even while he tried to pull away, panicking. 

 

The woman didn't seem to notice, she only smiled warmly and dried her hands on the cloth hanging from the stove. “I didn't know you were bringing someone over” She said kindly, it didn't seem as though she minded that Arthur was here. 

 

“This is Arthur Pendragon.” Merlin stated. “His father is the head of the Westboro Church.” 

 

The woman's eyes softened, suddenly, while Arthur tried to keep entirely calm. He was not ready to share so much to this woman, someone he had never met before. He was honestly terrified. Merlin's hand was strong in his. 

 

“It's lovely to meet you Arthur” She said warmly. “You're always welcome in my home, remember that.” 

 

Arthur, pale and weak kneed, could only nod and stammer out a 'thank you'. “Dinner will be ready soon, I'll call you.”

 

Quickly Arthur was pulled from the room and brought down a long hall. The last door was Merlin's room, it seemed, and Arthur was pulled into it with the door closed behind them. Merlin looked a bit sheepish, his grin was shy. “Sorry” He said. “I didn't tell her about you, and I wanted to know that you and I..” He broke off, flushing pink “Well, I wanted her to know that you and your father aren't the same guy. If she found out later I'd get a lecture.” 

 

Now that they were here, and Merlin was pushing Arthur into a bean bag chair (which was so comfortable he actually thought of stealing it, even though that was very wrong) and settling on the floor at his feet, he could actually think. He hadn't expected his father to let him come here, perhaps he was hoping to convert Merlin to the church. Perhaps he was hoping that Arthur was going to convert Merlin. 

 

But suddenly he realized what Merlin was doing. He was involving himself into Arthur's life, even if he didn't agree (that was clear, and though Arthur still hadn't quite admitted it, he didn't agree either), just so they could be close without arousing suspicion. Merlin curled to him, folding his arm over Arthur's knees and peering up at him. “I guess I'll be going to church with you tomorrow, huh?” He asked with a sheepish grin. 

 

“You shouldn't” He said evenly, too scared to touch, too scared to let Merlin put himself out there because he would be putting himself out there. He'd be risking his own skin and he wasn't sure if he could do that. He didn't know if he could ever do that, he and Mithian could settle down and pretend to be a loving couple for the rest of their lives. 

 

But he knew it was only a matter of time before she left, too. Merlin looked a little bit hurt, but he didn't try to fight Arthur on it. He didn't know if Merlin understood or not. The silence stretched between them, and suddenly Arthur spotted the computer. “Hey” He said. “Did you know I have a sister?” 

 

Merlin lazily rose his head, “No? Where is she?” 

 

Arthur shrugged, digging out his phone. “She left when I was fifteen. She had her own ideas, he kicked her out.” Merlin seemed to suddenly brighten, getting up on his knees. “Her name's Morgana” He said as Merlin shuffled to the computer. It was a bit of a worn down thing, but it was likely used by only Merlin. Arthur would have gone over there, but he was sinking quite happily into the bean bag chair and he really didn't want to get out of it. 

 

“Is this her?” Merlin said suddenly, shifting away from the computer. “Who's that with her? She looks like you.” Reluctantly, he pulled himself out of the chair and bent over the screen. Morgana was posing with an older blonde woman. The two of them looked so peaceful, so happy. Arthur shrugged. 

 

“She had a different one last week. She changes it a lot.” He said, shrugging. Her profile picture was never just her, there was always someone else in there with her. She always looked so happy. He yearned for that, suddenly, and it weighed on his shoulders heavily. 

 

Dinner was delicious, much better than anything his father had ever made. Those rare times he cooked, anyways, he was usually far too busy to bother with meals. It was no where near as good as anything he had ever made either. Her name was Hunith, and Arthur was fond of her. Even if he had been a bit nervous at first around here, storming in here holding the hand of another man, he was growing comfortable here. 

 

After they ate, the three of them sat on the couches in the cosy living room, watching a film together and chattering through the whole thing. Hunith didn't seem to care at all when Merlin rest against his arm, and even less when Merlin eventually managed to coax Arthur's arm around his shoulders. “Did you need a ride tomorrow?” Hunith asked. 

 

“I don't want to be a bother”

 

“Oh, you wouldn't be.” She smiled, folding the blanket she had across her lap over the armrest of the couch. “What time? I'll drive you.” 

 

“Seven thirty” He said. 

 

“Be ready. Good night, boys, try to keep it down.” 

 

Merlin stretched to let his mother kiss his cheek, she ruffled Arthur's hair fondly as she left. He could hear her yawn. Arthur tightened his arms around Merlin's body, he never thought he would be able to have this. They were alone, they were safe, and nothing could harm them right now. It was freeing, this house was warm and everything had its own little style. Memories lined each and every inch, it was a home that had been built with love. Arthur's was empty, everything was practical and there were too many open spaces. He quickly typed out a message to his father, letting him know that he had a ride so not to worry. 

 

Cautiously, as if he wasn't sure if he had permission, he brushed his fingers against Merlin's hair. It was like electricity whenever he touched Merlin. Here, he didn't have to worry about judgement or losing everything, he only had to worry about making a fool of himself. His father would never know about this, he would never see Arthur enjoy himself when he could be truly honest. 

 

“If you wanted to come tomorrow” He said softly. “You can” Because Merlin's blue eyes were romancing him into agreeing with any demand he proposed. It would be a good reason for him to see Merlin outside of school. He was warming to the idea, and even though it sent off warning bells in his head, he was going to take the risk and pray to God that they weren't caught. 

 

They cuddled on the couch in a way he had never been able to do before. He and Mithian had spent their time close enough to each other, but it was never like this. 

 

When the second film was over, Merlin wrapped the blanket around his shoulders to shuffle to his room. Arthur followed, trying to snag the edges of the blanket because he was cold without it combined with Merlin's heat. When they had arrived in Merlin's room, the boy stopped and opened his arms, circling his blanket-esque wings around Arthur. He sank into the warmth of it, chilled by the cool air. Merlin pulled away, nudging his jaw with his nose, and went to the dresser. He rummaged around for only a few minutes before tossing him a t-shirt and a pair of comfortable looking pants. Almost shyly, Arthur left to the bathroom to get changed. He wasn't sure where he was sleeping tonight. 

 

He wandered back to his room through the dark hall, eyeing the decorated walls fondly. 

 

Arthur shut the door behind him when he entered Merlin's room, who was sprawled over his bed comfortably. When he saw Arthur, he shuffled away a little bit with a grin, giving Arthur space next to him on the mattress. He stood, frozen, uncertain if he should. This went against everything he had ever been taught before. He wasn't sure if he was ready to take another step, in the last twenty four hours he had already done so many things that his father could disown him for. Merlin frowned at Arthur's stillness, and pushed himself up. “Hey, I can sleep on the couch” He offered. “Sorry” He was sliding off of the mattress, and Arthur shook his head. 

 

He had come this far already. Though he still didn't know what he was going to do about his life, he could still do this. Merlin shuffled back against the wall as Arthur joined him on the bed. “It's really okay” He said “If you want me to go to the couch.” Arthur ignored Merlin until he had settled comfortably on one side, peering up at Merlin from where he lay. 

 

Arthur wouldn't admit just how nervous he was as Merlin lay himself back down, settling a few inches away. Close enough to feel his heat but far enough away so they weren't touching. Merlin's eyes seemed bright in the dark room. Slowly, Merlin found Arthur's hand with his own and cradled his cheek against his palm. Arthur turned to him, letting out a soft breath. He had never shared a bed with anyone in his life. Merlin did his best to soothe his nerves, kissing his palm and wrist affectionately. 

 

What would it be like to not be nervous? What if he could hold onto Merlin's hand in public without worrying about anything? He shuffled a bit closer, resting his hand on Merlin's hip and pressing their foreheads together. He fell asleep with Merlin's body warm against his. He woke up in much the same way, Merlin's legs thrown over his thighs with Arthur's palm cradled under his face, his back against the wall. Fondly, he sat up without dislodging him, and smoothed his hand over his hair. Merlin slowly pried his eyes open, peering wearily at Arthur. 

 

He nuzzled further into Arthur's hand, sleepy and warm. “You know” Arthur started. “You don't have to come with me” 

 

“Mmm you should just stay here” He nearly purred, Arthur was beginning to wonder if he was part cat. He yawned, arching his back and pulling his legs away from Arthur's thighs, opening his eyes again to peer at him through messy hair. “Time's it?” 

 

“Time to get up” He replied with a smirk, figuring he should pull his hand away but deciding not to. He liked it where it was. It was such a simple action but it brought a rather large smile to his face. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he could do this all the time? 

 

Arthur really did mean to pack everything up and just leave. Because as time wore on and he and Merlin found more times to steal kisses, he was beginning to hate it. The thought of leaving was terrifying, it was completely bone chilling and he really did hate thinking about it, but he knew that it would be better than letting his father kick him out. 

 

He could tell that Merlin was waiting for him to make his choice. He still pretended to date Mithian, he still waited until the doors were closed to get close to Merlin, he kept living. Uther praised himself on his ability to convert Merlin, and had taken the boy under his wing when he was carted off to picket. Merlin took Arthur's idea, choosing the ' _America is doomed'_ sign instead any that hated on homosexuals. 

 

Then there was the sex. Before Merlin, when he was still confused and trying valiantly to deny his sexuality, he had never let himself think about anything sexual. He had been taught from a young age that it was between a man and a woman, and it wasn't to happen before marriage. So with Merlin, his body hot and pressed flush against his, the lessons he learned went out of the window. He had his tongue in Merlin's mouth when he felt his long fingers sliding under his shirt to flatten against his belly. He thought about everything he had been facing. If things got bad, if they were found, then they might still be able to deny it. But this crossed the line he had been so worried about crossing. 

 

They went slow, or Merlin did because Arthur was a little frozen, breathing into the skin of Merlin's neck. Merlin carefully unbuttoned Arthur's pants, and when he was putting his fingers into the fabric, he jumped slightly. Merlin stilled, waiting for Arthur to tell him to stop. He had rarely done this to himself, let alone having someone else do it. He didn't last long when Merlin closed those nimble fingers around him, he came gasping into his neck, sucking a shadow of  bruise unintentionally into his throat. He was glad Merlin wore scarves that would cover the mark. Once he caught breath, he noticed that Merlin had wiped his hand clean (He didn't know where, nor did he much care). He sighed into Merlin's skin, trying to chase away his uncertainty. He was trying not to feel disgusted at getting off with someone who wasn't female, who he wasn't married to. 

 

His hand made his way to the front of Merlin's pants, hesitantly cupping him through the heavy jean material. He was nervous, that much was clear, Merlin was smoothing a hand through his hair to soothe him. Merlin stuttered his way through Arthur's name when skin met skin. 

 

Later, when he was home again, he realized he didn't feel guilty or regretful about what he had done. He wondered if that was the moment he was free. Did his father and the church still control him now when he could get intimate with another man without freaking out? 

 

Merlin came to his house again later that night, his father was out of town for the evening, so they had the place for themselves. Even though Merlin had came by plenty of times before, it was almost inevitable that his father would come home early. 

 

He didn't like to think about the fight that had happened when his father came home. He didn't like to think about the things he said, the way he spoke, like Arthur was the devil's child. Merlin was kicked out instantly, manhandled off of Arthur and told to leave before he called the cops. The argument was heated, and Arthur had nothing to lose now. The fear that had taken hold of him when he had been caught turned into confidence. He didn't fear any more, he didn't worry, he accepted that this was it. He wondered if this is how Morgana felt when she left all those years ago. 

 

At some point in the fight, he knew he was leaving and he knew his time was ticking. He had to get anything he could carry. His father still yelled at him, but it was all a blur in his head. He gathered the photographs of Morgana he kept hidden between the mattresses, he grabbed the first handful of clothing he could find, stuffing it into the bag. He had kept it in the open because he had known this was going to happen. He almost wished he had left willingly.

 

The bag was stuffed, he told his father to go to hell, and left. He stumbled into the yard, he had never felt so alone, nor had he ever felt so free. His father had wrestled his phone from his hands, but he didn't need it, he knew his sister's number off by heart. It was all serene, his movements were fluid and he wasn't sure if the ringing in his ears would ever go away. He might have been in shock, but he remembered Hunith and her kind words, he didn't know where Merlin was or if he could find him. 

 

Arthur walked until he found a payphone. He had a bit of scattered change in his pockets, he had always had all the things he needed, he only had the money his father had placed in an account for him to use through school, because jobs weren't as important as his schooling was. There were a few crumpled bills in his pocket, and that would be enough. 

 

He got to the payphone, dropping change into it and calling the number he had memorized. 

 

“Hello?”

 

“Morgana” Arthur gasped out, and suddenly he felt entirely free and a bit hopeless. 

 

“Arthur” He could hear the smile in her voice, and hearing it again after so long sent a wave of thundering relief through him. “I can be there tomorrow. Do you have a place to go tonight?” 

 

He let out a shaky laugh into the phone, “Yeah” He said, grateful he didn't have to explain. She had known it was coming too. He gave her Merlin's address, hoping that Hunith would take him in for a night. He had given Morgana Merlin's address, so he could only hope that she would be okay with this. 

 

When he hung up, he felt shaky and breathless, but dialed the number for a cab. 

 

He had barely enough to cover the cost of it, but he had made it, and knocked on the front door a little urgently. He was glad that his father didn't know Merlin's address. 

 

Hunith greeted him with wide eyes. “Where is Merlin?” She asked. 

 

“My father” He started, his voice tight. “He kicked Merlin out, I don't know where he is.” 

 

Hunith inhaled deeply, and stepped forwards to wrap her arms around Arthur's shoulders. “I'm so sorry” She said softly, “Come on in, everything will be okay” 

 

They went into the house where Arthur could finally sit and relax, catch his breath and process everything. “My sister's coming to get me” He said softly. “She'll be here tomorrow. I won't impose for long” 

 

Hunith shook her head “No, it's fine, dear. You can stay as long as you need” She said while dialing what he could only expect was Merlin's number. They spoke in low tones while Arthur tried to calm himself down enough to think clearly. Hunith placed a hot mug of tea in front of him, “Merlin will be here soon” She said. “And he's bringing Mithian.” He didn't know what to say to that, Mithian was going to join him? 

 

She had, he supposed, been waiting for him so she didn't have to do this alone. 

 

Arthur sipped the tea while Hunith went about finding another bed and making up the couch. In the kitchen Arthur breathed in the smells of it, the coffee pot occasionally dripping, the tea in front of him, and the sweet smell of the flowers in the centre of the table. He didn't know how much time had passed until he heard the door clang open, he jumped to his feet and rushed to the door. 

 

Mithian hugged him first, Merlin had opened the door for her. She was shaking, and he heard her murmur into his ear “I'm _free_ ” His heart soared for her, and he grinned into her hair. Merlin stepped into the embrace after a moment, and Arthur adjusted his arms so Mithian was squashed between them. The three of them stood there for a long time, breathing and shaking in the relief of knowing what they had done. 

 

When they had all seated themselves on the couch, hands curled around mugs and Arthur and Merlin tucked close together on the couch, they spoke. Arthur didn't say much about the fight, he didn't really want to remember it. Merlin kept squeezing his hand. Mithian had packed everything up, gathered everything she could possibly find, and gone to tell her mother. She had fled outside with the bag on her shoulders before her mother could say any more. 

 

Arthur was still shaken, but Merlin was solid beside him, supporting them both. “My sister's coming to get me tomorrow” He said gently, “Will you come too?” He asked, directing the question mostly to Mithian, but he longed to know if Merlin would come too. Arthur could hardly stay here for too long. 

 

“If she wouldn't mind. Thank you” She said, wiping her cheeks with her sleeve. 

 

Merlin was quiet, Arthur squeezed his hand. 

The three of them retreated to Merlin's room after they had exhausted their voices speaking. Arthur was still shaken, but he felt better than he had ever felt before. It wasn't the way he wanted it to happen, but he had been uncertain about it. Now his path was set. He could breath again. They sat on Merlin's bed together, each of them lost in thought. Mithian was smiling, he was glad that he wouldn't be alone. 

 

He was beginning to guess that Merlin wouldn't be coming. 

 

It was confirmed, later after Mithian went to the couch to sleep, that Merlin would stay here. He still had a few months of school, he couldn't just leave. So they folded themselves together on the bed, arms tangled, and he wondered if he would even be able to see him again. 

 

But he could stay in contact with him, he could do that now. He could use a computer without worrying, and he could get a new phone too, so he could call him when he wanted to. And it was only a few months, too, then Merlin would be done school and maybe Arthur would be on his feet by then. So much had happened today, and he fell asleep with Merlin nuzzling his wrist and dropping soft kisses to his skin. 

 

For their last moments together, early in the morning before the sun had even risen, he explored his pale skin with his mouth. He made Merlin stutter his name quietly into the morning, he enjoyed every part of it without worry. 

 

Merlin wrote his number down on Arthur's arm, kissed him and told him not to forget about him. Morgana arrived later, he hadn't seen her in four years and all he could do was hug her. He was taller than her now, and that blonde woman stood behind her, smiling a soft smile. She was older than the both of them, he could tell. He just stared at her for a long moment as Morgana stepped away. "This is Ygraine" She said softly, and Arthur knew before she told him. He stepped into her arms and felt her body shake with tears. He hugged his mother, for the first time in his life. 

 

Technically, she was still married to Uther. He didn't believe in divorce, but she had not agreed with him. She has chosen to leave, and she hadn't been able to bring Arthur with her, nor had she been able to bring Morgana with her. She had tried, over the years, to contact them. Morgana's life hadn't been easy, but she knew Ygraine's name and had been able to find her. Her own mother was dead, Uther had repented because Morgana was born out of wedlock. But she had found Arthur's mother, who had taken Morgana in when she was seventeen, and had given her a home. She had only been able to wait once Arthur contacted Morgana, she knew it was only a matter of time. 

 

She greeted Mithian with open arms, and Merlin too. 

 

The five of them sat around Hunith's kitchen table, sitting together and sharing stories. Arthur knew his time with Merlin was running out, slowly, but he sat with Merlin and held his hand under the table because he could. He wasn't going to need to worry any more. 

 

They left in the afternoon. Arthur kissed Merlin in the doorway and pressed his mouth to his ear and told him he loved him. Arthur's heart skipped a beat, he kissed him one last time and left. They drove into the afternoon sun to a new world. 

 

* * *

 

 

"So what was it like growing up with this?" 

 

"It didn't seem like anything was wrong, I thought we were helping people. I thought that I was warning people that they were going to go to hell if they didn't repent." 

 

"Why don't you tell us your story? How did you decide to leave?" 

 

"My sister left when I was fifteen, within half an hour my father had erased all signs of her from the house. It was like she had never existed. It took me four years to realize that he had done the same to my mother, I don't know what I thought, I guess that I assumed she had died before I could remember her. In college I met someone, and we became close. I had a girlfriend at the time, but I still fell for him. He's the only reason I left, I think. For four years I had pretended to go along with everything, if it wasn't for him, I would have settled down. I would have married, had children, and raised them to be just like my father." 

 

"Was it hard, leaving your family like that?" 

 

"My father was the only one I left behind, the rest of my family had already walked away. I joined my family, I didn't leave it." 

 

"Do you have anything to say to the viewers, or to your father, if he's watching this?" 

 

"Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that, for nineteen years of my life, I hurt people. I'm sorry for every funeral I picketed and I'm sorry for every person I hurt. I'm sorry that it took me so long to leave. And I'm not sorry I left, and if there is anyone watching this who wants to leave, I urge you to do it. There will always be people to help you, you will never be alone." 

 

From beside him on the chair, Merlin placed his hand into Arthur's as he spoke. He squeezed his fingers, tightly, and grinned as he turned to look at him. 

 

"Arthur Pendragon, everyone!" The interviewer said, starting the applause as the rest of the room followed. He held Merlin's hand and grinned at his mother in the crowd as she clapped her hands along with everyone else. He was nearing twenty one, now, he had a good job and shared an apartment with Merlin. Every weekend they drove to either Ygraine's or Hunith's. The two women had become the best of friends, so sometimes it was all of them. Mithian and Gwen hit it off, they dated for a few months before deciding they were better off as friends. Backstage, he kissed Merlin and told him he loved him. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any inaccuracies! I did a lot of research when I first started writing this, abandoned it, then finished it today so I may have forgotten some things. So I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I hope I haven't offended anyone. 
> 
> Thanks for reading~


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